Absolute tolerance and absolute firmness at the same time

 This, I think, is the most important lesson I learned from my parents! 

My dad hates the catholic church - they have caused so much pain and suffering all through history, and misled people with their doctrines, he just despises them.

My mom is a member of the catholic church. She doesn't focus on the failings, but on the good they have done.

How can the two of them be in a loving, mutually supportive and respectful relationship?

They somehow figured out how to be able to let the other person believe and do what they want to believe and do, and not allow the other to prevent them from doing what they want to do.

They are (at least trying as good as they can) absolutely tolerant towards the other. Each allows the other to make their own choices, to have their own believes, to choose for themselves what to do and what not. 

And, at the same time, they are totally firm about making their own choices.

Absolute tolerance and absolute firmness at the same time!

I'm trying to implement this approach, too. But, I have to tell you, this is at times very, very difficult!

Sometimes, I (think I) know that my partner is making a big mistake - yet, after explaining my perspective to her, I have to allow her to do whatever she wants. That is really challenging!

At the same time, sometimes I want to do something that she does not appreciate. I try to hear her view, and put that into the consideration, of course. But, in the end, it is my decision. 

To be tolerant is hard enough. But, at least it is very obvious, that the opposite would be detrimental (see the last post). And, it is up to me to "change", to deal with the difficulty of accepting the other's choice.

To be firm is much more difficult! It is the other that has to deal with the difficulty of accepting your choice - and they might not be ready to do that without a fight. Yet, if you allow the other to control you, it can easily get out of hand. Also, you are experiencing the other as a pain. And sooner or later it'll get old, and you'll remove yourself - gradually or abruptly - from the situation.

I am convinced, any relationship where this principle is not adhered to, is going to fail!


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