Struggling Polyamorist

So far, chemistry has been the most important factor in whether I pursued a relationship with a woman or not. There are many contributing factors to this "chemistry" thing! However, after all these years I still am not completely clear on what all factors are, and how it works (in me, not to talk about in others!) - even though I am always trying to analyze into the very details what is going on with me, and why, and how, and what! Lately, I have come to questioning, though, if chemistry is really that important, or that much of a good indicator. Since it is such a fickle thing, so unpredictable, so hard to influence, it is clearly not a guarantee for a relationship to continue, to develop, to turn longer term, and to function well.  What seems to be much better suited is commitment. It can easily be influenced, since it is not an emotional feeling, but an intellectual, rational decision. You decide to make your relationship a priority - higher than your emotional whims and t...

 Nature is based on scarcity. Scarcity of food, water, growing season, mating partners, territory, and so much more. Our instincts are setup to make us focus on getting what is scarce, and to take as much as we can get. So, people who are functioning on the animal level are into bigger house, more money, more clothes and shoes, more power, fame, and everything else: more, more, more! However, we can go beyond our instincts, and actually start living as a human - i.e. a combination of animal (that's just trying to survive and ensure the species' survival) and spirit (who came to this planet with a mission, trying to make a contribution, participate in the development of this creation). Once you do this, quantity is no longer a measure, nor goal, nor focus. Quality becomes the driving factor.  Instead of having 50 pairs of shoes, you choose 5 or 6 high quality, ultra-comfortable ones. Instead of all-you-can-eat, you are looking for healthy food at small enough quantities to not ...

 Paolo Coelho, in his book Adultery, has the main character pondering that people, deep inside, have a loneliness that each of us is trying to deal with in the best way possible. I can not relate to much at all about this character, but this one aspect really triggered my thoughts. I am used to describe my "condition" as "wanting to experience always another deeper connection". But, looked at it from a different perspective, it is nothing but an existential loneliness, which is there, even when I am among loved ones, or among many people. No matter where I go, what I do, there is always this longing for linking up with another person, turning another stranger into a familiar person, getting to know somebody else, connecting to another soul.  I am convinced that all the spiritual ideas floating around the world have resulted from an experience of discomfort, followed by pondering, maybe even actions whose consequences are evaluated.  My choice of belief around "...

 There is this fable about souls having been split into two pieces through some event and scattered across the world, and since then, we're searching for the second half of our soul. And, once we find it, we're complete. Now, that sounds very, very romantic. But, in reality, it is rather nonsense! What if your soul's second part happened to be incarnated in a body of the "wrong" gender? Also, only fairly recently are we able to travel the world - and even today, most people don't make use of that freedom but stay fairly close to were they are from. But, aside of those logistical issues, there's a big problem many couples run into: when you merge two people into a single unit, you end up with a single body with two heads. We all appreciate when our partner takes on tasks that we are either not all too talented for, or not very excited about. But many people want to stay in charge of everything, and demand of the other to relinquish all control.  In a way, t...

  Prolog - The Instincts Of all the instincts the two most powerful seem to be: “self-preservation” and “ensuring survival of the species”. Of those two, it seems to me, the instinct to ensure survival of the species even trumps the instinct of self-preservation. Why? Have you ever had a tooth-ache (or some other ailment), and gotten in a situation where your sexual attention was raised? When this happened to me, the ache always subsided - at least to a degree - for the duration of the sexual activity. Once this activity ended, the pain came back full force.   I interpret it like this: Pain is a mechanism used to ensure your own survival. It alerts you, that there’s something wrong with/for your body. Something needs your attention, a change of situation. However, when it is a matter of fulfilling the survival-of-the-species instinct, the others - including self-preservation - are dimmed. So, when there’s a chance the situation might develop in a way that might cause...

 This, I think, is the most important lesson I learned from my parents!  My dad hates the catholic church - they have caused so much pain and suffering all through history, and misled people with their doctrines, he just despises them. My mom is a member of the catholic church. She doesn't focus on the failings, but on the good they have done. How can the two of them be in a loving, mutually supportive and respectful relationship? They somehow figured out how to be able to let the other person believe and do what they want to believe and do, and not allow the other to prevent them from doing what they want to do. They are (at least trying as good as they can) absolutely tolerant towards the other. Each allows the other to make their own choices, to have their own believes, to choose for themselves what to do and what not.  And, at the same time, they are totally firm about making their own choices. Absolute tolerance and absolute firmness at the same time! I'm trying to i...

 I am the oldest sibling in my family. There are 5 sisters after me, and a little brother who joined us when I was ready to leave for college. While growing up, I was always asked to take care of, look out for, and look after my younger sisters. And I tried, as good as I was able to.  The way I saw the adults do that was: using force. Whoever was the strongest, determined what is being done. If a weaker one didn't obey, s/he got whacked. So I applied the same approach. Obviously, my sisters totally rejected my "help"! Today I know that applying force is never appreciated - even if your intentions are really, really good, if you're meaning really, really well: when you use force, the recipient will fight you! Don't believe me? Well, look at yourself: when somebody is applying pressure onto you, your focus shifts from pondering whether what you're pressured to is a good idea, and centers around how to eliminate the discomfort of the applied force. So, instead of...