Best way to kill the strongest relationship? Apply force!

 I am the oldest sibling in my family. There are 5 sisters after me, and a little brother who joined us when I was ready to leave for college. While growing up, I was always asked to take care of, look out for, and look after my younger sisters. And I tried, as good as I was able to. 

The way I saw the adults do that was: using force. Whoever was the strongest, determined what is being done. If a weaker one didn't obey, s/he got whacked. So I applied the same approach. Obviously, my sisters totally rejected my "help"!

Today I know that applying force is never appreciated - even if your intentions are really, really good, if you're meaning really, really well: when you use force, the recipient will fight you!

Don't believe me? Well, look at yourself: when somebody is applying pressure onto you, your focus shifts from pondering whether what you're pressured to is a good idea, and centers around how to eliminate the discomfort of the applied force. So, instead of thinking about whether it is safe to cross the street, the focus is on trying to wring your hand away from the supervising person and run as fast as you can in any direction - even into the street!

This change of focus from "anything else" onto "the pressure point" is what's going to kill any relationship - personal or job, romantic or business! 

We do not like discomfort. It is a matter of our survival instinct to focus on the item that creates the most discomfort at the moment, forget about everything else, and try to rid ourselves from that pain.

No matter how well you fit together. No matter how much you need the other person, how many of your needs the other person is filling for you: if that person is creating enough discomfort, you'll remove yourself from the situation.

Pretty obvious, right?

Still, it's being done all the time, everywhere!

Observe what's going on around you - so much easier to watch others from the outside, when you don't have skin in the game. Any interaction you observe, ask the question: is this experienced as pressure or as support? You'll notice, most interactions are pressures!

Once you are experienced in asking and answering this question, start looking at how people are treating you. That is still quite easy, since, if you find something is pressure, you're not on the hook to change. It's the other person!

Finally, when you're really good at this, try looking at your own interactions. Whenever you talk to somebody - family, friend, job, store, anywhere - try to determine whether the other might experience you as adding pressure, or not.

If you are double-checking your actions often enough, it becomes second nature, and you'll reduce how much and how strongly you're pressuring other people. And, you might notice, how people are less resentful and rejecting...

You don't want to wear a shoe that pressures your little toe. Even if it is your favorite shoe, the most stylish, awesome pair you own: sooner or later you'll stop wearing them.

Same with your relationships: Even if you are the best friend, the biggest supporter, the strongest care-taker: if you create pressure for the other person, they'll stop hanging around you...

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