Libido and Partnership

 

Prolog - The Instincts

Of all the instincts the two most powerful seem to be: “self-preservation” and “ensuring survival of the species”. Of those two, it seems to me, the instinct to ensure survival of the species even trumps the instinct of self-preservation. Why? Have you ever had a tooth-ache (or some other ailment), and gotten in a situation where your sexual attention was raised? When this happened to me, the ache always subsided - at least to a degree - for the duration of the sexual activity. Once this activity ended, the pain came back full force. 

I interpret it like this: Pain is a mechanism used to ensure your own survival. It alerts you, that there’s something wrong with/for your body. Something needs your attention, a change of situation. However, when it is a matter of fulfilling the survival-of-the-species instinct, the others - including self-preservation - are dimmed. So, when there’s a chance the situation might develop in a way that might cause the creation of a new offspring, all else gets less important - even the discomfort and problem that the body experiences.

When a parent notices a child being in danger, they put themselves in danger to safe their child. To me, another example of the one instinct overriding the other(s).

If this assessment is correct, it becomes understandable how it is possible, that even otherwise smart, kind, thoughtful people behave in a way that is totally out of character for them. Take Bill Cosby as example, or catholic priests. 

To me, the issues that plaque the catholic church all over the world seem to point out, that if you try to suppress this your most powerful instinct for too long, it can burst out somewhere totally else. While the focus of the priests most likely was to avoid getting aroused by women, it might have shifted to younger and younger persons, and finally exploded and broken loose as pedophilia, especially towards boys, circumventing the walls that were up against anything female… But, that’s just a theory… Fact is, they tried to mess with the most powerful source of energy there is. And that can never ever go well for too long…

Dare to Take a New Perspective

Over the course of my life, I encountered several topics, where my upbringing and society’s story turned out to be fairy tales at best. The way that worked well for me to replace these ideas with something more realistic, closer to reality, was to throw out all that I was told and taught, and just start observing with open eyes and mind what I can see.

So, this text is an attempt to look at how this particular instinct plays into our attempts at relationships and life-partnerships, while putting aside for the moment what our society declares as “how it is supposed to be”.

Libido

Often, the term “Libido” is used when referring to sex-drive, or sexual prowess.

Merriam-Webster explains about “libido”

The Latin word libido, meaning "desire, lust", was borrowed by Sigmund Freud as the name for a concept in his own theories. At first he defined libido to mean the instinctual energy associated with the sex drive. Later he broadened the word's meaning and began using it to mean the mental energy behind purposeful human activity of any kind; in other words, the libido (for which Freud also used the term eros, a Greek word meaning "sexual love") came to be regarded as the life instinct, which included sex along with all the other impulses we rely on to keep us alive. But those of us who aren't psychologists use the word simply as a synonym for "sex drive”.

I have observed, curiously, what libido does to me, with me, and how it changed over the course of my life. Here’s my findings - both the observations as well as the theories around it. 

The Three Zones 

I noticed, that when I have enough sexual activity in my life, I rarely think about it. If, however, I am not engaging in enough, it comes up more and more in my brain. After a while, it gets so bad, that I can’t completely concentrate on anything else anymore - be it work, driving, conversation, sleeping, anything! On the other hand, I also noticed in partners, that when there was too much focus on sexual activity they got tired of it, even annoyed.

Of course, as with everything else, it’s not just about quantity, but about quality! But, to make it easier to explain, let me focus on quantity alone for the moment.

It seems there are three zones: 

The red zone is where there’s not enough sexual activity. While in that zone, larger or smaller part of the mental energy (as well as general life actions) are concerning themselves with trying to create opportunities to become active.

The green zone is the comfortable space where there’s enough activity, but not too much.

The yellow zone is, when there’s pressure from your partner(s) to engage in more than you want or can handle

As a practical example here are my zones (at my current age):

• red: 0 - less than 9 times per month
• green: 9 to less than 30 times per month
• yellow: 30 times or more per month

When in a relationship, the ideal situation is when the green zones of the partners mostly overlap. The smaller the overlap of the green zones, the more difficult the situation gets in the long run. The worst situation is, of course, if the green zone of one is completely overlapping with the red zone of the other.  In my experience, the smaller the green-zone overlap (GZO), the more certain the eventual end of the relationship - everything else about that relationship eventually doesn’t seem to outweigh this problem!

The person, who is not getting enough, starts feeling more and more ignored, left alone, wasting their time. The person who’s forced to do more than wanted starts feeling used, even abused, and gets tired of it. Just like you stop wearing your most beautiful shoe when it starts pressuring your toe, all the other benefits, delights, and joys of the relationship fade next to the strong pain this causes. Especially for the person, who’s not getting enough, as this is dealing with the most powerful instinct there is! 

I see it like this: the break fluid is a minuscule, tiny portion of the whole car. However, without it being at a correct level it is not possible to operate the car safely. Here, too: this aspect (sexual activity) is just a minuscule portion of the whole of a life-partnership. However, without it being at the correct level, it is impossible for the partnership to survive. 

The Hard Question

If we assume the above to be the case for the moment, immediately the question presents itself: Does that mean that a large GZO (green-zone overlap) is necessary for a longterm relationship, especially a life-partnership, to have a chance to work?

Well, if nothing else is questioned, I’d say: “Yes! Absolutely!”

However, if we ask a different question, this whole GZO issue gets immediately defused from a “life-and-death” issue for the relationship, to a “mosquito bite”.

As often the case, if you continue asking the same question, you’ll never get another answer, and you’ll never get ahead. Looking at this issue, there’s one premise, that if it is questioned, immediately shows another answer. That premise is: there’s a maximum of two people allowed and possible in any relationship, as it pertains to this topic.

So, a new, different question to ask, when trying to find answers for the GZO dilemma is:

 “Is monogamy a must?”

Oh my! This is one of the most fundamental, most fought over, and most destructive topic in our society. It is a tabu even to ask the question, not to talk about considering any other answer than “Yes, of course!”

But let’s - just for the moment - put traditions, prevailing moral standards, and centuries old, life-long societal brainwashing aside, look at it from a pure logical, pragmatic perspective, and assume that monogamy is not a must.

Imagine, I were to be in a relationship with somebody whose yellow zone is: more than 6 times per month. there would be a zero GZO between us. Imagine, there’s another friend in my life, whose yellow zone is also: more than 6 times per month. With her, too, there would be a zero GZO. But, with both of them together in my life there’s a doable GZO. In essence, if the rest of the relationships are mutually life-enhancing, enjoyable, and supportive, the lack of GZO would no longer make them impossible individually.

Actually, if BOTH relationships are “mutually life-enhancing, enjoyable, and supportive” it would no longer be necessary to deny one of them. Instead, both of them would be possible. And - again from a pure mathematical perspective - the amount of love, good will, support and positive impact of BOTH relationships is put into this world, not just that of the one or the other.

Interestingly, if we were to talk about anything else - going to the movies, eating Italian, listening to music, discussing a particular topic, even travelling, renovating a house, … anything! - this whole long writeup would be completely unnecessary. But, for this particular topic, even a 100 page dissertation would not be sufficient! Why is that so? No. I’m not asking for the typical answers, which all originate and base on the traditional fairy-tale. I am asking for rational, logical, tangible reasons. I, so far, haven’t been able to find a single one!

Conclusion

Yes, I understand, this GZO model is a very simplified, mathematical view. And there are a plentitude of other factors playing into both this question in particular, and into the question of whether a relationship makes sense (i.e. is viable) in general.

To continue the analogy of the break fluid from above: 

The car consist of much more than just the break system. The functioning and comfort of the “whole package” is to be considered. 

Also, the break system consists of much more than just the break fluid. And, aside of the break fluid, all other parts and components need to be functioning well, too, for the breaks to work.

Not loosing break fluid in the car in the first place is the ideal situation. However, if you love the rest of the car, and it works fine otherwise, having to replenish the fluid every so often might still allow you to enjoy using the car in a safe manner.

So, my suggestion is to forget about the monogamy fairy tale, make the lack of GZO a non issue, and focus on the important aspects of your relationships and life-partnerships!