Family of the Future

History

Originally, humans organized in tribes, where members took care of each other. They hunted together, gathered together, and looked out for each other. 

Later, the tribe “shrunk” to a group. Up until and through the dark ages, for example, farms in Europe where autarkic - that means, they produced everything they needed, and they existed mostly independently from outside. 

Towards the beginning of the 20th century, it was the extended family, who was living together and looking out for each other.

Then, that social construct was replaced with the nuclear family. Instead of great-grandparents, grandparents and siblings, parents, uncles and aunts, siblings and cousins, it now was only the parents and their children, who formed the basic social unit.

In the second half of the 20th century, as divorce rates started to rise, very often it was just the mother (sometimes the father) with the children. the other parent had left the unit as well.

Today, there are more single family households than such with both parents around. Also, there are many people who have no children. And, for many families, the children are spread out all over the globe and no longer live close by. That leaves the older generation to fend for themselves.

How well that works, you can read in the daily papers, when they report of decomposed bodies found in an apartment after neighbors complained about the smell, or about abuse in nursing homes, or waiting lists for good homes and their costs unaffordable for the general population.

The Spiritual Family 

When I lived in the caribbean, one of my students adopted me as her mentor, and I adopted her as my mentee. We had many conversations about all kinds of topics - mostly purpose of life and such. I was able to share my experiences, perspectives and approaches. She was interested in learning about what worked for me and what not, how familiar topics can be approached differently, and how to look at the world with new eyes. And she shared her experiences, asked questions and suggested approaches, too. It was a beautiful communication that helped us both to get new insights and grow.

One day it occurred to me, that she was like a daughter to me. I named her my “spiritual” daughter. 

I realized then, that after we leave our biological family, we meet people who fit to us in a spiritual way. Although there are no blood-relations, our souls seem to somehow be connected stronger than usual.

I like to think of these people as “my spiritual family”.

The Most Obvious Problem

As with everything else, I am been given one idea after the other, peace-meal.  Baby steps, if you will. So, next step was to realization, that it would be nice, if such a spiritual family would be more than just casual friends. That this “relationship” could include more than just conversations.

Currently, if one person in a two person partnership falls ill, or loses their job, or gets somehow else in trouble, the whole weight of the necessary support falls onto the other partner - the one person left standing, so to speak. It often is hard for a partnership to “get through” financially when both are working. When one loses the job, and the other is the sole income provider, it often gets to be too much. 

Especially when we get older the likelihood of a person getting to a point where they need assistance is high. If it is two people living by themselves, when one starts to decline to that point of needing assistance and beyond, the whole weight of caring for the loved one falls on the other person - the one that is also aging, and also getting weaker in all aspects. How does anybody think such a setup makes sense, or would work?

What different setup could be imagined, though? How could that be done?

A New Approach

Imagine, a “family-partnership” including not just 2 people, but more than that. Then, if one person falls, the weight is distributed onto several left standing. That idea is pretty obvious, isn’t it? The problem, though, lies in some details:

First of all, of course, there’s the issue of finding people that would fit. It’s hard enough to find one other person with whom it is possible to coexist easily. Where neither has to twist themselves out of shape to fit in. Where live is good for both of them. Somebody, with whom you can spend 24/7 without getting bored or annoyed or tired of it. Finding a third person the not just fits one other person, but two seems very, very challenging. 

I guess, it will always be the situation that the new member will fit better to one of the existing members than the other(s). But, I can imagine it should be possible for another person to fit into the whole multi-member family structure in a general way.

Another thought that occurred to me around this problem is this: We think we are "looking" for somebody else suitable, and "we find" them. But, really, in my experience it is more that the other person gets sent my way (and I theirs) by coincidents. It seems to me to be rather a question of whether I am "open" to receive another person in my life, rather than whether I am "searching" for them. So, I am hoping that the right people will "coincidentally" run into each other.

Old Idea - New Approach

This idea of groups of people living together, forming a community isn't new. There always have been - and still are - religious communities out there, that are living this idea. Communes and Kibbuz are another implementation.

However, the problem with their implementation is, that the individuals almost always loose their autonomy and independence. The individual is no longer allowed to make their own decisions. Instead, either the group, or the leader(ship) of the group tells everybody what to do and what not. 

As a member, one looses the ability to choose when to be engaged with the group, how much to engage, what the engagement is (and what not), and so on.

These aspects, to me, are a total no no! 

I think, the primary principle (almost sounds religious again, doesn't it?) ought to be, that every person can make their own choices! Nobody is telling anybody what to do and what not, what to believe, how to set their priorities. Instead, kind and friendly exchange of thoughts and ideas is encouraged. However, every person is allowed to make their own choices!

Questioning traditions is not tabu, either! Instead, it is encouraged to reevaluate habits and approaches.  As life goes on, new insights are realized, now approaches become possible, new knowledge is attained. If these aspects are not allowed to be applied to existing traditions and the current culture, the community is going to die - and deserves to do so!

 

Ideas For General Rules For Such a Family

I think in order to work, each family has to have a set of core desires, priorities that all subscribe to - not because they are forced to, but out of their own will.

Every member ought to be strongly committed to the family - committed in the general sense of the word.

Problems are resolved through loving conversation until a consensus is found. Consensus means: everybody can live with it!

Every person can make their own choices. While everybody else is allowed and encouraged to provide their perspective, it is every person her/him-self who can choose what they feel is the best thing for her/him to do or not to do (even if it is not what another member of the family feels is the right thing) - that goes for every topic!

Every person of the family is not just allowed, but strongly encouraged to look for new members for the family. We all grow older and eventually die off. The only way for a family to continue - and especially continue to provide the benefit of family (i.e. shared load, shared joy) - is when new and in particular younger members are added.

Although there are shared costs, to which everybody is contributing, the finances are not intertwined. In other words, everybody retains control of their own accounts. One person might choose to contribute more than their mathematical share, but it is a free choice that can be changed at any time. Also, one person might gift funds to another member of the family, but that, too, is an instance by instance choice, and not a given requirement or expectation.

Physical attention is given and received out of free will of the participants, without pressure, without expectations. It is not a duty, or chore. Neither is it an exclusive right. 

My Desired Family

I think in order to work, each family has to have a set of core desires, priorities that all subscribe to - not because they are forced, but out of their own will.

My priorities and desires are such:

Love, appreciation, gratitude and care for the world that we live in. The world! Not just other people, and not just my family, but all people, and all things living and not living, present and future. 

Everybody contributes in some way to the family - not dictated by the group, but chosen by each member her/him-self based on their talents, preferences, likes, skills, experiences.

 Love is at the center of everything!

As a minor detail: I don’t like cold, and would like to live in a warmer climate.