A Body With Two Heads

 There is this fable about souls having been split into two pieces through some event and scattered across the world, and since then, we're searching for the second half of our soul. And, once we find it, we're complete.

Now, that sounds very, very romantic. But, in reality, it is rather nonsense!

What if your soul's second part happened to be incarnated in a body of the "wrong" gender? Also, only fairly recently are we able to travel the world - and even today, most people don't make use of that freedom but stay fairly close to were they are from. But, aside of those logistical issues, there's a big problem many couples run into: when you merge two people into a single unit, you end up with a single body with two heads.

We all appreciate when our partner takes on tasks that we are either not all too talented for, or not very excited about. But many people want to stay in charge of everything, and demand of the other to relinquish all control. 

In a way, this is the "other side" of the "complementing each other" coin.  While we appreciate the other to take on work we don't like, we can't let go of begin in charge. But, as we're splitting work, in the same way we need to split the "in control" task as well. 

If one person wants to be in control of everything all the time, over time this will have negative consequences. Similarly, when there is one (or more) area(s) for which both partners want to be in control, it causes constant friction.

For example: when travelling, my partner S would decide when it's time to eat, and where to eat. That was her responsibility, and I followed her lead. I, on the other hand, was in charge of driving and finding my way to get from A to B. She just enjoyed the ride without worrying where we went, why I went here or there, or whether there was another approach I could use. It worked wonderfully! We hardly ever had any problems when travelling.

My partner V has lived by herself for many years, and had to make all decisions by and for herself. It is very difficult for her to hand off control of anything to anybody else. She's the one who decides what to do, on what to spend money, where to go, and so on. Off course, having had different experiences and possessing different talents and knowledge, her approaches and style is different from mine. 

For example, when the topic arises how to get from A to B, although she allows me to drive, she wants me to use her approach for finding the way. Granted, she usually finds her way when she's by herself - it just might take her a little while. I, too, find my way when I'm by myself - it sometimes takes me a little longer, too, than if I had all the knowledge upfront. So both approaches lead to the destination. Yet they are different.

My experience with using directions is, that if you make one little mistake, or if there's one little detail missing, you end up in the Pampas. So I prefer to use maps. She doesn't like to use maps because she's not all too familiar with reading them, and she doesn't like to stop every few intersections to check the map. It drives her crazy when I use my approach. and it drives me crazy when she uses hers.

So how to solve such problems?

First, I think, a decision needs to be made: Who takes on the responsibility for the task at hand? Secondly, the "absolute firmness and absolute tolerance" principle needs to be applied: whoever takes on the task is to be allowed to make their decisions, choose their approach. The other person is just coming for the ride, and has to relinquish the responsibility for this task. 

Hard to do, but the only way a living and functioning together can work without a constant competition, squabbling, and fighting.

So, maybe two heads on the single body - but each head has their assigned tasks, their responsibilities.