Quantity or Quality

 Nature is based on scarcity. Scarcity of food, water, growing season, mating partners, territory, and so much more. Our instincts are setup to make us focus on getting what is scarce, and to take as much as we can get. So, people who are functioning on the animal level are into bigger house, more money, more clothes and shoes, more power, fame, and everything else: more, more, more!

However, we can go beyond our instincts, and actually start living as a human - i.e. a combination of animal (that's just trying to survive and ensure the species' survival) and spirit (who came to this planet with a mission, trying to make a contribution, participate in the development of this creation).

Once you do this, quantity is no longer a measure, nor goal, nor focus. Quality becomes the driving factor. 

Instead of having 50 pairs of shoes, you choose 5 or 6 high quality, ultra-comfortable ones. Instead of all-you-can-eat, you are looking for healthy food at small enough quantities to not get you blown up like a fatty-balloon. Instead of 5,000 squarfoot mcMansion, you'll look for a 1,000 sqft (or smaller) quaint home in a nice environment.

With your relationships it is similar. Instead of wanting hundreds of "friends", which are in the best case acquaintances, you are looking for folks who are on your wavelength; with whom you can spend quality time (time: another one of these quantity vs quality topics, and an important and big one, too!); who does not drive you crazy when you spend more than an hour together; who you can actually have loving, informative, explorative conversations about stuff that matters.

Like with all the other aspects of your life, if you want that, you're no longer looking at "what can I get out of it?", but "what can I contribute". Such relationships are, of course, much more work. But, they are also much, much more fulfilling, supportive, and enjoyable!

There is another aspect about relationships, where the quality vs quantity aspect is attempted to be addressed:

People think, if you have only one partner, the relationship is automatically a better quality one. If there's nobody else in the picture, then there's commitment and single focus. That must make it better, doesn't it?

Well, it doesn't!

As you can see looking all around you, many relationships that are declared monogamous are failing left and right! Why, because the quantity (in this case: one and not more) has no impact on the quality whatsoever!

Some of the most important aspects that make a relationship a quality one are: tolerance, support, understanding, trust, giving benefit of doubt, spending quality time together, honesty, being able to tell everything, not having to wear a mask but being accepted as-you-are - the whole package.

Interestingly, these things are all just symptoms and consequences of one underlying thing: The focus being "what can I contribute?".

What can I do to make life for my partner easier, more enjoyable, more effective, less painful, less difficult? How can I be of better support for them?

As described in a previous posting, pressure is the best way to kill any relationship. If you're focused on what you can get out of it, you automatically try to pressure the other to provide what you want. If you're focused on what you can provide to make the relationship better, on the top of your list is to NOT pressure the other! To accept gratefully what the other is providing, and to not try to get them to provide anything else or more.

As long as both are following this approach, the relationship can grow and become stronger, better, and deeper.

Therein lies the crux of the matter, though: if the other can't provide everything you need (and you obviously can not provide everything that they need either!), there's pressure on you! There's a hunger, a pain, a discomfort for you. 

You now have the choice to either hand of all or some of the discomfort to your partner - which reduces the quality of the experience for them (adding pressure). Or you can try to bear the pain all by yourself and shield your partner from the pressure you're experiencing. That, however, ALSO reduces the quality of the experience - just not for the other, but for you. And, sooner or later, it is getting old, and you're going to either hand some of the discomfort off to your partner, or you give up on the relationship completely!

There is, however, a third option; a pretty obvious one: 

When you go to a building supply store you won't be able to get a loaf of bread. For that you go to the bakery. No problem, when it comes to food. When it comes to other needs, however, you're not supposed to go to another person. Why is this obvious solution such a problem?

Because society has for generations, and for various reasons (which, like with most other traditions, are no longer applicable or even existent), decided to demand monogamy as only acceptable life-partnership approach.

That this approach does not work is very obvious - just look at how many relationships break because of lack of monogamy? Look at how many people are actually able to live monogamously all their lives (maybe 50%, most likely way less), and many of those are struggling and suffering. Needlessly so, in my opinion!

To those of you who are so brainwashed into the monogamy gatorade: I do NOT suggest everybody should sleep wildly with everybody else! Why do you always go from one extreme to the opposite?!? Is there no way in the middle possible?

To me, there is!

Monogamy is unnatural, and consequently causes a ton of problems, pain and suffering. 

The problem it is trying to address - turning a relationship into a quality relationship - is NOT accomplished by it at all! 

The only way to real qualitative high relationships is through the fundamentally different focus of trying to contribute, rather than getting!

Just like you can not mass-produce high quality cakes, you can't mass-produce high quality relationships. It takes time to listen, to get to know the other, to spend time, to take care of, to support! You can't have dozens of highly important people in your life. But, you can clearly and easily have more than one! I'm guessing 3 or 4 should be quite possible...

I am also not suggesting everybody has to have 3 or 4 life-partners. I AM suggesting that it should be left to every person themselves to decide where they want to (and can) take a relationship; any relationship of theirs!

I request, to stop trying to force an approach onto everybody that obviously does not work, never has, and never will!

I request, that people stop focusing on quantity, but on quality! 

For quality, to me, is the only thing that really counts!